Joke thread

[BowMan]

A dog walks into a telegraph office and says
'woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof'.
The guy behind the counter says 'that's 7 woofs - you know you can have 10 for the same price?'
The dog says 'that wouldn't make any sense!!'.

[Bethany]

[Witchy]

[NICK]

This guy was amazing.




..Nick..

[noxon]

- here is
one of a few jokes I usualy remember :

..
man enters cafe

vaiter arrives at table
man ask for one cup of coffee,
without creme .
Vaiter nod, and go to kitchen.
Arrives shortly, with a worried
look on his face, pardoning:
"- sorry sir, we seem to be
out of creme, at the moment.
Can you take it without milk ? "
..

[Bethany]

Probably only going to be funny to people from Michigan

[Myxm15]

lol iv got the tattoo, but your rockin out the mullet good enough for us both..

Ali G interviewing Buzz Aldrin about the moon..It really does exsist!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTKedyQQkZQ

[Fredkc]

A man lies in his hospital bed, dieing. His wife is at his side.

"Honey, you were always there for me.

When I lost my job, you had such faith.
When I couldn't find anything, you found a part time job and pitched in.
When I mortgaged the house to start the business, you never batted an eye.
When business got bad, you pitched in like a trooper.
When the business closed you went and found a full time job.
When we lost the house, you never said a word.
When I got sick, you moved us in with mom and stayed right by me.
When the doctor said he'd done all he could, you never gave up hope.
and now... before I go... I have to tell you something..."

Then, as the woman's eyes filled with love and tears, he said,

"Honey, I think you're just bad luck."

Fred

[noxon]

There was a great article in my local newspaper
(have no link, sorry, will look for it)

They asked mediafigures about their relation
to internet, social media, favourite quotes and
personal mistakes in public view.

This surfaced from one of them, gave him
the most attention (& likes) on facebook :
(think it is a joke ...)

Most of my wet dreams lately
are caused by incontinence ..

- have no image to go with that .
(anyone ?)

[Limited Edition]

Things to Know About CHUCK NORRIS

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not read books. He stares them down to get the information he wants out of them.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademark names for his right and left legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuuck Norris has counted to infinity twice.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
Chuck Norris does not wear a watch. He tells you what time it is.
There is no democracy. Chuck Norris rules.

[Shezbeth]

Here's one for you guys out there,.....

Girl: You know what a guy with a big dick has for breakfast?

Guy: What?

Girl: I didn't think so.

[andywight]

Subject: Medical humor --

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.


Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.


So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.


"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.


Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.


Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.


Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again !


So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.


"Nuts and Butts".....no way.


"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.


"Loons and Moons".....forget it.


Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:


"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"


Everyone loved it.


This is a true story...

[Northern Boy]

EU Joke of the Week

A German, a Greek, an Irishman, and a Portuguese go into a bar. The German Pays

[Cec Kra]

Torz posted this on facebook. These are not jokes but they are funny so funny I had to post this here.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/6101/1...february-2011/

[NICK]

Torz posted this on facebook. These are not jokes but they are funny so funny I had to post this here.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/6101/1...february-2011/

Ah! thanks for that I needed a good laugh(wipes eye's dry and puts self back up on seat) WOW I would not trust a phone with auto correct, it could get you in a lot of trouble or at least ruin the rest of your life and reputation(roflmao).

I'm sure a team of comedians are sitting in a bunker somewhere with the machine sending out auto correct to everybody having a good laugh just because they can.

..Nick..

[VajraYaya]

Porn for women.

Porn for women image002.jpg

Porn for women image003.jpg

Porn for women image004.jpg

[Northern Boy]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On anyland !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

[norman]

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

That's so funny................


A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'



The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that Sh*t

[snuggle]

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won!
No one's a match for me and my kettle

[andywight]

posted this on PA awhile back so forgive me if you have already seen it.

[andywight]

[andywight]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

[Necromancer]

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly. "Why are you crying?" Bob asked. "I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill. "So? Are you afraid?" "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely. Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?" To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

[andywight]

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

[andywight]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....