Heavy bullying, help needed please

[Ross]

What can be done about bullying?

Factsheets for Mentors (from one of my mentoring books)

Young people who are bullied can be supported by others in the following ways:

1. Coaching young people to develop responses to bullies that clearly communicate that bullying is not acceptable e.g. look the bully in the eye and say “I don’t like that and I want you to stop” and walk away. (kids helpline info sheet, 2004)

2. Teaching communication skills such as assertiveness, confident body language and self-talk. www.kidpower.org.

3. Supporting them in the action they take e.g. approaching a teacher, mentor, or similar. Intervention orders are also possible and are made by the children’s court against another child or children.

4. Listening to them talk about their experience and how it makes them feel and let them know that they are not alone, it is not their fault and something can be done. www.bullying.org

5. Talking to them about why bullies do what they do, the harm that it causes and how we all must take a stand against it if we are going to stop it.

6. Get the school involved in a bullying reduction program such as friendly Schools and families www.friendlyschools.com.au and stay aware of the latest research around bullying prevention www.bullying.org such as bystander intervention www.kenrigby.net where those witnessing the bullying can discourage it and have a good chance of actually stopping it.

I also have plenty of info on Cyber-bullying or go here www.cyberbullying.org

Hope some of this is helpful.

Ross

[TWINCANS]

Ross, Your experience as a mentor only serves to demonstrate (at least to me, lol) just how hard it is to tackle the issue in the schools. Here we have a wonderful young 14 yr old. She is being abused by those around her. The reco's range from making her an expert at assertivenss training, a marital arts expert, engage in weight management strategies, 'go public' with authorirties and be centred out, go into her mind as defense and learn to rationalize, retort from a position of personal empowerment, box their nose or learn ignoring behaviour. I can't remember of there are any others. Everyone's heart here is in the right place, undoubtedly. We do not like to see this take place.

This is not her problem to solve. It is not her fight. It is a disfunctional system intruding into a difficult time in her life already. No wonder so many early teen girls retreat.

To me the only answer is to give her back her younggirl-growing-sensitively-into-youngwoman-hood back. Pull her from the place of abuse and threat. Do not ask more of her than her own developmental process is already demanding. Do not teach her mind techniques that take her out of her body when she is rebirthing her conection to it.

[lunasea]

I was bullied/picked on in middle school, by one kid mostly and it sucked. Fighting back is an interesting answer, but the reason I never fought back was because I wanted to be a good kid and not get in trouble. My parents told me a few years later that teachers knew what was going on but they did nothing. I was beyond furious when I found that out. Why had they let it go on. Why hadn't anyone said anything to me. I would have loved it if one of my teachers had said "Hey Kathleen, I know you're being picked on, if you want to beat the ❤❤❤❤ out of her next time she does anything I'll have your back because I know you're a good kid and you're just standing up for yourself "

My guess is it's reasons like this your kids roll their eyes when anti-bullying programs are mentioned, they're bull❤❤❤❤. School's don't want to step in. They say they're against bullying but don't do anything. If they want to be serious they should punish the kids that bully with increasing severity. Kids have been behaving badly toward other kids for a long time. But in today's world, peer groups have more influence than ever before, and sadly technology makes it easier for children to be anonymous and more widespread in their cruelty. All it takes is one kid to take it too far, at the same time sometimes it also only takes one kid to stop it.

If your daughter doesnt feel that she can stand up to the people who are doing the talking then I would ask her what she would like you to do, but let her know you have to do something. Good luck !

Lunasea

[belinda01]

Call the school and ask for a meeting with the principal and the teacher. Come to the meeting with very specific information - students, dates, times. Do not be confrontational, but be direct. Let them know that you need a timeline and a list of specific actions that will be taken. If you can afford it, bring legal representation to the meeting. I have been at such a meeting. The lawyer got their attention. It is not a bluff in the US. You can now bring legal action against schools that fail to respond to documented bullying cases. Children have the right to attend school free from the threat of bodily or emotional harm. You do not mention the age of your daughter, but if possible, I would observe in class and notice the dynamic of the teacher/student interaction. NO credible teacher allows bullying in class! Outside of the classroom, students can arrange to help in the library or in the office, if peer interaction is uncomfortable. Most counselors have groups or one on one meetings with students. Take heart and model strength and courage to your daughter. Do not give up!Peace.

---------- Post added at 17:38 ---------- Previous post was at 17:36 ----------

Note- I realize that you are in Canada, but there are likely strong anti-bullying laws on the books there. Hold the school's "feet to the fire". They can do a great deal to remedy the situation, as it is taking place on their grounds.

[Ross]

This is not her problem to solve. It is not her fight. It is a disfunctional system intruding into a difficult time in her life already. No wonder so many early teen girls retreat.

Heya Twins,

So you can see just how difficult it is to effect change working within a system based on insanity...You can imagine my restraint at keeping my mouth shut when it comes to certain topics within my field...

So, because we have a system deeply flawed and idiotic bureaucrats running the show, we have to work with what we have got...these kids are learning the very insanity that we here recognise as insanity. So, you do what you can within the system.

It is not her created problem, but certainly her problem to deal with and it is her fight, and her dear Mums fight, along with those who are willing to step up and help, including my fight when dealing with these issues. The more people who get involved in this issue the better for the youngins.

As unfair as it is for her in this current dilema, her developmental process is what needs addressing, as well as the bullying in general. You either retreat or you stand strong, with the SUPPORT of those who give a fcuk. Resilience within the youngins is necessary to develop, while remaining a part of this system in order to function within it.

It is a hard row to hoe...but we can do plenty to help these youngsters.

Listening
Supporting
Encouraging
Intervention when necessary.

In a perfect world we would not be discussing this; however this is the world of deeply flawed and insane systems so you work with what you have access to.

As a Father of 2 daughters, 22 and 17 yrs., I have had to learn and try to become a master chess player, operating within a game requiring serious strategy. I use the same methods when I am mentoring the youngins...and trust me when I say that there have been many instances when I am discussing issues with those who hold the power of decisions, where I literally wanted to climb over the table and slap some sense into them in hope of jolting the hypnotic programming spewing forth.

In saying that:

When you witness growth, self-esteem, self-worth, resilience and observing their slow but recognizable understanding of what they can control within their own power...it is a most wonderful experience to witness.

Ross

[sandy]

Hi to You Goingby and your Sweet Daughter, ( I remember her super songs and voice

It is sad that this is happening and that the dynamics of the school and students adds to the dilemma of what to do. What does your daughter want. This is where I would start if it was me as I often gave the power to my son when he was a teenager and for the most part he learned and most things worked out quite well when I could support his lead.

There has certainly been much value in the contributions to your plight and I do agree with Chico's advice however she is up against too many. I also agree with others who are suggesting moving schools if at all possible and if not finding a way to home school.(if after some deep thought on your daughters part that she is adamant that she does not want to go back to that school)

The reason why I suggest first and foremost home school is because of you Goingby and your great skills to Coach her along in the evening if need be.

She will just be going to night school if need be

Because of the dynamics of disabilities/teenagers, low self esteem prevails as a result, therefore the others will continue to put your daughter down in order to make themselves feel better. Learning compassion takes being connected to ones emotions and feeling safe to then build self esteem. Schools and I'm sorry to say most teachers are not skilled enough to process the dramatic dynamics of Brown eyes/Blue eyes with teenagers let alone adults or any other emotion tense evoking exercises. Having facilitated group sessions in Juvenile Delinquent Centers qualifies me experience wise, to say this could be a disaster if not handled appropriately and very delicately.

Therefore I support getting her out of this demoralizing situation and detach before her sweet heart is too scarred. Much strength to you and her and blessings for the best possible outcome in the near future. Too bad I live so far away, I would volunteer to do some group work with her class

[TWINCANS]

Ok Ross, I now recommend that Flash fly you over at your earliest convenience. Other than that I do not hold my breath.

As to it being their fight, I simply do not agree. If it was an impossible employer, would you not suggest your child send her resume out and change jobs? If it was an abusive spouse would you not suggest they leave? Why do they HAVE to stay in school? This Victorian system has run its course and no longer educates anyways. At best it trains, more often it innoculates and disempowers. That is why to me it is a no-brainer to pull them.

[Ross]

Ok Ross, I now recommend that Flash fly you over at your earliest convenience. Other than that I do not hold my breath.

As to it being their fight, I simply do not agree. If it was an impossible employer, would you not suggest your child send her resume out and change jobs? If it was an abusive spouse would you not suggest they leave? Why do they HAVE to stay in school? This Victorian system has run its course and no longer educates anyways. At best it trains, more often it innoculates and disempowers. That is why to me it is a no-brainer to pull them.

Again I say it is not her created fight, but because it is effecting her and her Mum someone needs to fight, and this dear kid can gain much from fighting (for her right to be left alone from bullies)… or you don’t fight.

So, you remove yourself from the fight. This is one way. You attend another school, and there will always be bullies wherever you go. Or you totally remove from the education system of attendance and take on correspondence. That can work…

Meanwhile the bullies are still doing their thing. This in part, is why bullies survive to continue this behaviour with other kids….the cycle remains and often bullies progress in adulthood with the same attitude...and that helps no one.

Now, changing the system is basically impossible, but standing up to bullies is achievable. I have seen it more than once, but it takes support and intervention from others.

I am not saying she must stay at school, I am saying you must stand up for yourself, with the help of others in support.

Ross

[reaver]

Because of the dynamics of disabilities/teenagers, low self esteem prevails as a result, therefore the others will continue to put your daughter down in order to make themselves feel better.

THIS and it is not just confined to this particular area... people who cannot rise/evolve will seek to put everyone else down, so they can get a feeling of superiority, this dynamic happens when it comes to TPTB, parasitic scum who must sh!t on everyone else to get a sense of worthiness.

[TWINCANS]

It is sad that this is happening and that the dynamics of the school and students adds to the dilemma of what to do. What does your daughter want. This is where I would start if it was me as I often gave the power to my son when he was a teenager and for the most part he learned and most things worked out quite well when I could support his lead.
...Schools and I'm sorry to say most teachers are not skilled enough to process the dramatic dynamics of Brown eyes/Blue eyes with teenagers let alone adults or any other emotion tense evoking exercises. Having facilitated group sessions in Juvenile Delinquent Centers qualifies me experience wise, to say this could be a disaster if not handled appropriately and very delicately.

Therefore I support getting her out of this demoralizing situation and detach before her sweet heart is too scarred. ...

It does all come down to her. What does she want? After hearing from the experts among us who have real life experience in this kind of work, know that to address bullying issues inside the school system takes an army of people working together in order to get schools to even pull their head out of their shell. Then to gets results will be a whole other set of meetings and documentaion and possible legal threats and outcomes monitoring.

This wonderful young girl will need to know that she will be a lightning rod for all of this institutional infighting. Because when the dust settles, she will definitely be a different person. If she wants to be the change, ok bring it on. If she would rather get on with her life and growth, a strategic retreat might be the wise answer here.

[Ross]

After hearing from the experts among us who have real life experience in this kind of work, know that to address bullying issues inside the school system takes an army of people working together in order to get schools to even pull their head out of their shell.

That is exactly what is needed and I will say the organization I work for undertsands this completely.

While I have experience, the label "expert" is certainly one I don't carry. It is a work in progress...

Ross

[J0urney]

Oh my...

First of all...how horrible this is happening to her..

a lovely...and FAR from fat young lady.

Tasha loves being around her... maybe reach out to tasha on face book see if she can help give your daughter some "distraction"

Now... Bullying is a crime in this country.

1- Call police for ANY threats...forget the "oh but kids just pick more if you complain" tactic. These are crimes and your daughter needs to be taught how to deal with assault/harrasement.

2- Ever look into home school? public school system is a joke and a mine field for "sensitive" kids.

3- Abuse will ruin your daughters life. This is a serious situation and needs immediate attention. Watch for signs of depression/suicide and talk to your family doctor.

If there is anything we can do...you have our number

my heart to yours
celine

I completely agree with what Celine had to say. My daughter is special too. She was constantly picked on by the kids in school. I had the same trouble you are having. I pulled her out and home schooled her for two years. I just put her back into public school only because she didn?t have any friends. This is her first high school year. She has done well. It took all the patience I could muster not to approach the ?little ones? myself. Go to the principal, go to the school board if you have to. If you can have her moved to a different class even that might help. I wish I knew where you were, or were closer to you. I?m sure Rose would love to make a new friend. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there. If you want my email pm me and I?ll be glad to send it to you.

[Dreamwalker]

hey going by,sorry to here your and your daughters current predicament.
how about this for a notion,i,ve seen it or read it somewhere.
heres the sceneorio.
you and you daughter work together the teachers and build up a anti bulling campaingn.
that will be addressed to each class in the shcool.
why does a bully bully?
what makes them feel so good about it?
how does it affect them ?
the victims,how does bullying affect them?
is their a consilidation?
how many people disagree with bullying?
how many will stand up against it if they saw it.
this must be addressed to the whole school,and this will hopefully stop the bullies.
i am certain a campaign like this happened in uk schools with very interesting results.
just a idea,

[magamud]

Push the liability issue and get a lawyer to write up a leader head query on your daughters safety.
If there are specialist there, they are licensed, and issue the same leader head to them and their licensing board.
Issue real time video in the class rooms. All parents can access.
Keep it confidential between the support network. Non disclosure release? Assume the blow back from the attempt to control the psychopathic energy. Its an unconscious radiant energy so find a ground or move on to greener pastures.

Educate your child the truth of the world, or not. Get your child into self defense class. Focus on her physicality rather then the logic part. This will help bring unconscious support emotionally and viscerally.
Attack the problem and forge a spear mentally for your child. On the polar flip, disengage. You get the balance and good luck...

[Going by]

Hello Going by,

This is certainly a tough one and sadly is everywhere at some level in all schools, from subtle to more in your face bullying.

I am a mentor (volunteer) and amongst my duties I also work within schools dealing with kids from 12-18 years. I do one on one mentoring with several kids and see this issue often.

My role mainly involves listening, being a friend, developing trust, support and encouragement.

When I have a situation regarding bullying, it is often the case that the victim begins to disengage from school on an academic level and a social level (which is my job to try and stop this process) and it seems you are witnessing this already.

When this becomes apparent, within my role and consent from my mentee, in strict confidence, I speak with the teachers. Now some teachers are aware and do take steps within the classroom but this is only surface level for most teachers due to their workload and over-crowding of students. I then speak with the guidance councillor, which all schools here in OZ have.

Once the guidance councillor is involved, the awareness level and investigation is taken more seriously and all parties get involved. The student, the teacher/s, the guidance councillor, the deputy headmaster, the parent/s, the bullying student/s and their parents. It can be a nightmare at times getting people involved, but as a mentor, with consent from the mentee, I have a reasonable amount of pulling power and following the “rules” imposed on me, I am able to facilitate getting the right people involved.

Often this includes discussion with the bully/s, and parents where there is often underlying issues creating this behaviour. (Sometimes you can help the bullies)

If your school provides a mentoring system and guidance councillors, I would suggest trying this avenue if you haven’t already as here in OZ, this is the best way to get action.

It all comes down to communication and getting the right people involved.

Let me know what the school offers in this regard.

Ross.

they have a psychologist which act as the guidance councillor. The problem is that my daughter does not like her much (she is bit rude although well intentioned). I already asked her to take my daughter in councelling because whe was not well last spring and it did not work. However, to have her involved with the other childfen and the parents may not be a bad idea. I will see what I can do, but for sure I won't let it go, they will have to do something and I will be watching closely.

Thanks, I will keep you posted starting mid January after one week of school. In the meantime, I am flooding them with "resolution help" thgat I am gathering from this forum and Avalon. They will be flooded when back, then cannot not act - lots of excellent advice and tricks they are given. So...


Manny, your suggestions will be given to the school and to my daughter, thanks (in tomorrow's e-mail, they must have had 4 lenghty one from me today,

[Going by]

Ross, Your experience as a mentor only serves to demonstrate (at least to me, lol) just how hard it is to tackle the issue in the schools. Here we have a wonderful young 14 yr old. She is being abused by those around her. The reco's range from making her an expert at assertivenss training, a marital arts expert, engage in weight management strategies, 'go public' with authorirties and be centred out, go into her mind as defense and learn to rationalize, retort from a position of personal empowerment, box their nose or learn ignoring behaviour. I can't remember of there are any others. Everyone's heart here is in the right place, undoubtedly. We do not like to see this take place.

This is not her problem to solve. It is not her fight. It is a disfunctional system intruding into a difficult time in her life already. No wonder so many early teen girls retreat.

To me the only answer is to give her back her younggirl-growing-sensitively-into-youngwoman-hood back. Pull her from the place of abuse and threat. Do not ask more of her than her own developmental process is already demanding. Do not teach her mind techniques that take her out of her body when she is rebirthing her conection to it.

Definitly wise words. And the same as Richard and C?line. It puts me in the right mindframe. This is not to her to do it all and it won't be, trust me on that.

Richard: thanks for the law articles, may be useful.

---------- Post added at 23:58 ---------- Previous post was at 23:56 ----------

What can be done about bullying?

Factsheets for Mentors (from one of my mentoring books)

Young people who are bullied can be supported by others in the following ways:

1. Coaching young people to develop responses to bullies that clearly communicate that bullying is not acceptable e.g. look the bully in the eye and say “I don’t like that and I want you to stop” and walk away. (kids helpline info sheet, 2004)

2. Teaching communication skills such as assertiveness, confident body language and self-talk. www.kidpower.org.

3. Supporting them in the action they take e.g. approaching a teacher, mentor, or similar. Intervention orders are also possible and are made by the children’s court against another child or children.

4. Listening to them talk about their experience and how it makes them feel and let them know that they are not alone, it is not their fault and something can be done. www.bullying.org

5. Talking to them about why bullies do what they do, the harm that it causes and how we all must take a stand against it if we are going to stop it.

6. Get the school involved in a bullying reduction program such as friendly Schools and families www.friendlyschools.com.au and stay aware of the latest research around bullying prevention www.bullying.org such as bystander intervention www.kenrigby.net where those witnessing the bullying can discourage it and have a good chance of actually stopping it.

I also have plenty of info on Cyber-bullying or go here www.cyberbullying.org

Hope some of this is helpful.

Ross

Thanks, I am transfering this to the school too, since it is their reponsibilities, thanks

[reaver]

they have a psychologist which act as the guidance councillor. The problem is that my daughter does not like her much (she is bit rude although well intentioned). I already asked her to take my daughter in councelling because whe was not well last spring and it did not work.

Just remember that most psychologists today just carry the name, but are far from being one. Most likely she will seek to adapt your daughter to a toxic environment, ease the pain by providing some sort of escapism, whether that escapism comes from some activity or sweet words. In my opinion your daughter has to face this too, especially if her condition does provoke a sort of shame in her, I mean the acknowledgement of her condition, without considering that others keep bothering her... if she thinks her condition is a weakness, then that weakness has to be transmuted into a strenght.

The way I see it now (with the little information I have) there are two solutions here: one which will cover a short term, that is getting lawyers, parents, councilors, etc, etc. yes they may be able to make the environment more bearable or put the school bullies in their place... but what concerns me the most is the long term prospect, because if that which goes within your daughter is not purged, then that could be a problem and yes at some point it could really be a huge one where suicidal scenarios must be contemplated... you see, I doubt your daughter won't face more bullies out there, some people will pick on anything just to get a thrill and it is very important that your daughter builds psychic defenses accordingly. Being unreactive is one of them, but of course that is easier said than done, she could pretend to be unaffected, it works with some assholes, but some of them can sniff the pretention and will be able to break it, so the best is to be unreactive in an aunthentic way, I'm simplifying this aspect, mind you.

Another route would be to point the bullies' own mediocrity, that works like a charm, even more so when combined with unreactiveness... but then again this one also requires some skill to see prentention in the other person.

My two cents for whatever they are worth.

Oh and Going by, this is not done with the intention of offending you, but:

When you sent her to school with the excuse of a xmas exchange, you fu cked it up royally.

[Darla Ken Jensen Pearce]

Wow. This is very troubling and my heart goes out to you. Our children are a part of our heart and it hurts us just as much as them, when people are cruel and unkind. I have seven grown children, so this issue has come up with before for me.

One of the things I noticed right off is that they "skipped" your daughter ahead in class. This is a big red flag, at least to me, because it can have some real long lasting and negative effects. For one thing, it pits her up against kids who are physically and emotionally older than she is and they are at an advantage with that extra year ahead of her in personal development and social skills (laugh here) more than she has been able to acquire at present. It doesn't matter how brilliant kids are, this puts them at a serious disadvantage. She is missing that year in learning how to cope with them, too. So the advantages falls in the bully court. I have some stories to illustrate this but will spare you the misery.

The closest adult in this situation besides you ~ is the teacher and she bears some serious responsibility here. Since your have entrusted your daughter under her care.

If you have brought this situation to his or her attention and this behavior has continued, she also needs more guidance and awareness of all the ramifications of allowing this to go on under her nose. I don't care if these kids are whispering insults or even just lipping them without sound, the teacher must seriously "tune" into what is occurring in her own classroom or else. (So use that big stick on her first) Just teasing or not. If I was a teacher and one of my students was feeling so bad suicide was an option and if I was aware they were undergoing this sort of torture, I'd pay pretty close attention or get out of the business. You say she is a wonderful teacher but if she really was, this would not be happening to your daughter. Form what I can see here, she is nothing of the sort, and this may require a re-evaluation on your part and some real flexibility to consider other teacher options.

Your daughter also needs to know that if she is in distress, she can arrange for some sign to signal the teacher when bullying is going taking place. If can be simple like a cough or waving her hand, hitting the desk to draw the teachers attention. And she needs the reassurance that her teacher will begin to pay much closer attention to all activities going on in her domain of control.

Next, of course, is the school principle and so on but the buck stops either with you at home making changes in her school, classroom, teacher, and these you've already considered well and vetoed as not worthwhilein sort of a circular round of reasons that don't really offer up much hope for real change. You need some fresh ideas.

Since your little sweetheart is old enough to fend for herself at home. Homeschooling can still be an option because she is old enough not to need a babysitter which most of the schools have become these days. I only home schooled one of my seven. I was a single mother and had to work for the others but when my last child came along as a caboose in later years, I had this same thing happen to her and went to the school authorities, got no relief and ended up taking her out of school for a year.

Many people do not realize how homeschooling works. Unlike schools, it is based on the quality of time spent together not quantity. So you can easily have simple assignments for her to do and then spend convenient hours for you at night or on weekends. In the quality department, this one-on-one attention is more positive, reinforcing, and beneficial than 10 times the hours in an unhealthy situation at school which is what is going on here. Parents groan at the though but it's because they don't realize realize it is the quality of the time that counts.

When we are so troubled and all of us can feel your pain ~ you need to know and feel up close and personal that through options that are readily available the whole world supports this effort in regard to your daughters daily happiness and well-being. And right not you need to feel these option can provide a solution that won't cause her further harm. You do not have this needed and important security but it is out there. Each person who has made comments has contributed some excellent ideas for possible alternatives.

One thing to really keep in mind is the difference in age ~ homeschooling for that year she skipped ahead might place her next term mmight place herback among perrs of her own age and emotional development. Kids love to pick on the younger ones just as a matter of choice. All mothers step in when they see this happening and can lessen the effects and call whoever is doing it to their attention to address.

Often the trait of picking on others begins among siblings in a home setting and then continues out into the their networks at school, work, and in the outer world around us. It's important that not only your daughter learn how to cope with it but that those who are doing it are brought back into kinder treatment of others as quickly as it is noticed and they must be called on it at once. Some are obvlivious due to hormone changes and other social concerns of their own. They haven't learned to control anything and yet all the hormones are firing and for a few years nothing seems to be in balance. This is why those growing up years are so painful, so many chemical chanes going on at once. Those bullies that g out of bounds of acceptable behavior do so because the are not really aware how this would feel if dont to them but we need some method to allow them to develop empathy and consideration for others as soon as we notice anything is amiss.

Suicide among young people is one of the most serious conditions parents and family face and it can't be ignored by anyone in our society, if we are to get out of the La Brea Tar pits ourselves anytime soon.

When I hear about a small group of individuals who is harassing and making another person miserable on a daily basis, it makes me want to make enough waves within the school structure to force some kind of re-training effort for both those bullies involved, as well as the school personnel to learn how to deal with these serious issues. Even in police department this sort of behavioral awareness and re-training in methods to address it have been successful many times in the past and when a situation like this arises, it's a good time to ask for such a program on your daughter's behalf.

As a parent who was usually in a stressed out condition just in general terms of supporting others, situations came up when I went off to war as a first line of defense but I quickly learned that this was really meant to be our last resort. Sometimes this caused more problems for my children and sometimes I was able to hit a happier note.

For instance at a time when too many issues seemed to be coming up requiring my attention regadring school matters, I volunteered to help out at the school for a few hours a week making copies and running errands around my kids classrooms. This brought me into direct and close personal contact with the staff and my kids teachers up close and personal. Your children really benefit when everyone knows who your are and that you are actively and consciously participating along with them in this important teaching endeavor.

It can make all the difference in how they treat your child or in my case "children" and the ratio of effort versus payback was multiplied by 1,000 times. A very satisfying and beneficial return for the little bit of time required of me. I learned to always look for the most direct and simple methods to solve problems after that great discovery. Asking others for assistance and ideas like you are doing here is a wonderful way to learn alternatives and these are most important for your own peace of mind as well as hers.

If anyone ever wants to discuss children and all the problems that may arise, please feel free to contact me at any time. My email: wd40dry@gmail.com ~ is where youcan find me quickest and easiest should you ever wish immediate attention. My children were three girls; Cheri, Michelle, Gina and then three boys; Rick, Chad, Derek with Jenn coming along as my caboose. Jenn is the only one who had a real father present, the others were not so lucky in that they just had me.

There is literally nothing I haven't experienced at one time or another with them and I love to share what I was able to glean from this challenge and most of it was usually done by learning the hard way. I might be able to save you some real wear and tear. In any event, I'd be happy to hear from you or any others. With much Love! xoxoxox

[Going by]

I was bullied/picked on in middle school, by one kid mostly and it sucked. Fighting back is an interesting answer, but the reason I never fought back was because I wanted to be a good kid and not get in trouble. My parents told me a few years later that teachers knew what was going on but they did nothing. I was beyond furious when I found that out. Why had they let it go on. Why hadn't anyone said anything to me. I would have loved it if one of my teachers had said "Hey Kathleen, I know you're being picked on, if you want to beat the ❤❤❤❤ out of her next time she does anything I'll have your back because I know you're a good kid and you're just standing up for yourself "

My guess is it's reasons like this your kids roll their eyes when anti-bullying programs are mentioned, they're bull❤❤❤❤. School's don't want to step in. They say they're against bullying but don't do anything. If they want to be serious they should punish the kids that bully with increasing severity. Kids have been behaving badly toward other kids for a long time. But in today's world, peer groups have more influence than ever before, and sadly technology makes it easier for children to be anonymous and more widespread in their cruelty. All it takes is one kid to take it too far, at the same time sometimes it also only takes one kid to stop it.

If your daughter doesnt feel that she can stand up to the people who are doing the talking then I would ask her what she would like you to do, but let her know you have to do something. Good luck !

Lunasea

Merci Katleen. En effet, il se passera quelque chose, compte sur moi. PLus personne n'ose intervenir car tous les profs et toutes les ?coles ont peur d'?tre poursuivies, ou encore les profs sont trop d?bord?s (fatigu?s). Aussi, il arrive parfois que cela soit si subtile que les profs ne le voient pas (c'?tait le cas de ma fille semble-t-il)

You are also right, the kids roll heir eyes on anti-bullying programs. I should write the school programs and teach them in schools, they would not be able to roll eyes anymore! I am revolted right now!

The mellow marshmallows we have in schools, in the government, everywhere on one hand and the bullies on the other hand, doing everything they want cause the marshmallows won't react or do anything.

Here goes my rant for tonight.

[Going by]

Just remember that most psychologists today just carry the name, but are far from being one. Most likely she will seek to adapt your daughter to a toxic environment, ease the pain by providing some sort of escapism, whether that escapism comes from some activity or sweet words. In my opinion your daughter has to face this too, especially if her condition does provoke a sort of shame in her, I mean the acknowledgement of her condition, without considering that others keep bothering her... if she thinks her condition is a weakness, then that weakness has to be transmuted into a strenght.

The way I see it now (with the little information I have) there are two solutions here: one which will cover a short term, that is getting lawyers, parents, councilors, etc, etc. yes they may be able to make the environment more bearable or put the school bullies in their place... but what concerns me the most is the long term prospect, because if that which goes within your daughter is not purged, then that could be a problem and yes at some point it could really be a huge one where suicidal scenarios must be contemplated... you see, I doubt your daughter won't face more bullies out there, some people will pick on anything just to get a thrill and it is very important that your daughter builds psychic defenses accordingly. Being unreactive is one of them, but of course that is easier said than done, she could pretend to be unaffected, it works with some assholes, but some of them can sniff the pretention and will be able to break it, so the best is to be unreactive in an aunthentic way, I'm simplifying this aspect, mind you.

Another route would be to point the bullies' own mediocrity, that works like a charm, even more so when combined with unreactiveness... but then again this one also requires some skill to see prentention in the other person.

My two cents for whatever they are worth.

Oh and Going by, this is not done with the intention of offending you, but:

When you sent her to school with the excuse of a xmas exchange, you fu cked it up royally.

Thanks you for your comments, these are exactly why I wish you will communicate with her directly. You understand clearly what is going on, what life reserves in terms of bullying and how young people think (not that sure about young girls, but... I will take the bet) and you can be a real bully yourself when you see bs (which is somwhat handy and charming when needed).

As for the x-mas gift and my f ck up, you are right. i will remember to follow her feelings, now she has been publically humiliated, making it worst.

She just ask me, live, at this exact moment, how you can royally "faire chier" piss off bullies and make them feel down. So here you go Reaver, your teaching.

Do not worry however, the job won't be only on you, I'll will find support here as well. I just have to see all alternatives clearly. (I wish she had a big brother/sister who would be glad to coax her or find a anti-bully school "how to become a bitch when needed")

Thanks for your comments

Flash

[sllim11]

going by. i am truly sorry to hear this about your daughter. from our few pms i do know you are fully capable and willing to go to any length to do what is necessary for your daughter to thrive. from all you have shared with me you have already gone above and beyond. for advice, i think you have gotten some awesome ideas already. i was wondering if you had spoken to the other kids parents yet? from my experience, going directly to the other parent has had positive results. possibly you and your daughter sit down with the other parent and kid?? seems bringing in the other parent(s) would be a way to hold their children accountable. as already said in a few other posts, if nothing seems to be working i would look into homeschooling.

all my best!!

[reaver]

She just ask me, live, at this exact moment, how you can royally "faire chier" piss off bullies and make them feel down. So here you go Reaver, your teaching.

Kick them in the balls/pussy (I'm only half-joking here, some idiots need to feel a bit a fear and pain). If it comes down to some condition - be it the condition of your daughter or anything else - and if they point it out, proceeding like this can be quite funny and effective: "Took you long enough to realize it, do you want a medal for it?" a nice spin would be to have a "prize" close by, say a cookie, so then your daughter can throw it and say: "Good doggy, go fetch!!" the application of this is practically infinite. Something else your daughter has to realize is that most, if not all of her classmates are stupid drones, mindless zombies who could not think for themselves even if their life depended on it (yeah I don't give a ❤❤❤❤ if they are dyslexic, heck even some cripples can be a pain in the ass), little robots who go on acting all tough courtesy of cultural programming.... now of course this is even more effective when the condition has been embraced (be it a disease or something considered weird by the mindless zombies) and there's a certain detachement from the given condition.

Other fvckers need some anger projected at them, just to scare them sh!tless while and the same time pointing out their stupidity, add an extra ingridient, pick on some condition of theirs or some ugly physical trait... always have in mind that she would still be dealing with a fvking idiot most likely, idiots like those, must be treated accordingly.

Some tactics which don't really address the problem to it's core, but they can be quite a repellent, you know some people are like annoying mosquitos, so you must crush them.

Oh and take no sh!t from teachers, many are more concerned about school politics and the approval of idiotic parents... heck once I was at uni and this teacher starts to put people down, idiot expected to see a damn thesis from students who were in the first semester, now that's not the annoying part... what pissed me off, was to see most of my classmates bending their ass and taking it (metaphorically speaking), so I had to proceed accordingly and call out the teacher, fvcker had to come up with a dozen scapegoats.

Well hopefully all of this makes sense, I'm sleepy now so I tend to go on mind trips.

[TWINCANS]

Lots of excellent material for you on this thread, so you go girl. Give 'em sh..t and light a fire under them to get this thing fixed pronto.

But if it doesn't pan out that way, I would suggest you take up the option of homechooling. You'd be surprised at the support you would have with other moms (usually) doing the same. I belong to abt 8 yahoo groups for local homeschooling communities plus a teaching co-op. Or if that's too much while you work, you could supplement with online high school using the same material she is currently using. They're totally equivalent to day schools and offer credits for the full diploma, so students can apply to universities or colleges etc. Free too. I don't know if you could take the Ontario one my dd is in, or have to enrol in a Quebec one. It would be busy enough to keep your daughter occupied while you work, no problem there.

The interesting thing is you can see much more of the curriculum - and it's incredibly useless busy work. No world history, even world geography. All politically correct pseudopsychology, nothing classical of any depth etc etc. My brother said they stopped teaching critical thinking in the schools abt 1985 and he's totally right. Teachers don't teach, they just assign homework. Then they give report cards about how well kids are doing because they need high percentages to submit to the Board.

[Luke]

Ross, great advice!

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Meanwhile the bullies are still doing their thing. This in part, is why bullies survive to continue this behaviour with other kids….the cycle remains and often bullies progress in adulthood with the same attitude...and that helps no one.

Now, changing the system is basically impossible, but standing up to bullies is achievable. I have seen it more than once, but it takes support and intervention from others.

I call that "spoiling the sport".

Bullying is power projection. Physical on mental - no difference, it is about submission to the Pack. But even such pack do have place in hierarchy- teachers and management are top dogs in that scheme. Hurt them and they will hurt bullies back - because that would be easy thing to do.

Not nice, but this is how system works. There is always some kind of framework, hierarchy, and you can count on anybody in it looking for "quick fix". Use that to your advantage - but always demand concrete actions. Not do "something', because that means "take the unpleasant thing and hide it". Learn what would be very unpleasant for those you are talking with - and threaten to use it. There are always tedious procedures and investigations that those you are talking with would gladly avoid. Seek them out. Find who is superior to people you are talking with - or even better- who is supervising/controlling them, have numbers handy. Know names. Be ready to casually mention them. Just check if they are not friends and buddies with the one you are talking with - common mistake, that might backfire. Facebook is your friend on that one.

And check your contacts for people who might know people in hierarchy. People who know people always have upper hand.

Now, of course, there is another aspect - the one you are protecting need to know precisely why are you stepping in. What caused your reaction - and when to expect it in the future. Especially the part that clearing that whopa$$ boulder does not mean moving all other boulders too.

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And yes, the real trouble is in the future. Preparing "the Kid" to make living on her own in that frakked world. Quick fixes are oh-so-tempting.

---

Edit:

Thanks, I am transfering this to the school too, since it is their reponsibilities, thanks

Schools only responsibility is to break your kid into the system saddle, that and only that.

Though there are some idealists there who think otherwise. Would be useful to know who they are, as there is no thing more painful to the "old boys and girls" to deal with "true believer" in their ranks.

---

The way I see it now (with the little information I have) there are two solutions here: one which will cover a short term, that is getting lawyers, parents, councilors, etc, etc. yes they may be able to make the environment more bearable or put the school bullies in their place... but what concerns me the most is the long term prospect, because if that which goes within your daughter is not purged, then that could be a problem and yes at some point it could really be a huge one where suicidal scenarios must be contemplated... you see, I doubt your daughter won't face more bullies out there, some people will pick on anything just to get a thrill and it is very important that your daughter builds psychic defenses accordingly. Being unreactive is one of them, but of course that is easier said than done, she could pretend to be unaffected, it works with some assholes, but some of them can sniff the pretention and will be able to break it, so the best is to be unreactive in an aunthentic way, I'm simplifying this aspect, mind you.

IMPORTANT!!!

[Real Intent]

My heart aches in sympathy Going by.

I had a cursory look into what Dysphasia "Aphasia" is, I found that most youth with this condition have much trouble in this area. It also seems to be highly misunderstood.

I have a few questions

Are the teachers fully aware of this condition and what it entails?

Do they offer her options to communicate with simple yes/no responses in front of her peers in order to be sensitive to possible embarrassment?

Is she allowed to use other forms of communication like art and music?

Do you get the impression that the staff understands that this condition has NOTHING to do with her intellect?

Have the other students been educated on the condition?

Is the counselor equipped with the information on her condition to even be able to "counsel" her?

My sister is a teacher in charge of handling all the other teachers and making sure they have the tools they need to do their jobs. She takes the issue of bullying very seriously. In the case of your daughter and her special circumstance, she would want to be armed with the information on the condition, methods that have worked in the past for integration socially, then she would sit down with you the parent and the teachers to share the information and come up with a plan of action. If homeschool is really not an option, these teachers need to be better informed and have a plan and tools at their disposal.

Your daughter is hurt and may want revenge, but I really think she needs allies and she needs to see the evidence that bullying can be stopped. The truth is, there is only so much she can do on her own, and it sounds like she has tried really hard thus far.