Heavy bullying, help needed please

[Jenci]

Hi GoingBy,

It's really good to hear that the school is supporting you and they have a plan of action. Let's hope things improve for your daughter and she believes that something can be done.
Jeanette

[Going by]

tu a dit deuxieme annee de secondaire....

la premier annee c'est 7'ieme ...

8-9-10-11-12, le secondaire a maintenant 5 ans car la 7 ne se fait plus g?n?ralement, et la 13 de l,ontarion par exemple c'est le d?gep. lle est en sedcnaire 2, enfin, peu importe, elle est en 9?me ann?e.

mais vraiment, l'important c'est qu'il lui reste 31/2 ans et qu'elle ne peut pas demeurer dans cet ?gtat toutes ces ann?es.

Merci C?line pour me faire clarifier - je me trompe peut-?tre

OH, tu as raison, elle vient de me dire que c'est la huiti?me car le secondaire est 11 ann??s dit-elle, enfin

[Akhenaten]

Going By - Bullies sense intuitively when a person is vulnerable to their predations. Of course every child is different and some more sensitive than others to slights, even perceived ones. The best full metal jacket against bullying is high self-esteem. When a person projects profound indifference to these things based on solid self-esteem, the bullies usually disappear. My advice is to arm your precious daughter with self-esteem and insights into why these people do what they do - basically they themselves suffer from low self-esteem and thus are driven to prey on others to assert a pathetic "superiority." I fully realize that this does not necessarily change the actual behavior of the bullies let alone their twisted attitudes....................however, the only thing we have control over in this life is our own attitudes, and this is one case where I believe the focus should be on building the self-esteem of the victim. IF it were a case of physical assaults, etc (and I am NOT suggesting that words and non-verbal slights are not hurtful because in many ways they are much more hurtful than actual blows) I would actively intervene with the authorities, school officials, and threats of legal action to the parents. In the US, courts have held that damages done by a minor child are the full responsibility of the parents. Best wishes, Sincerely Akh

[Going by]

Thanks Akh, Jenci, C?line and all others.

Yes, I will take care of self-esteem interventions for Zarema, thanks Akh.

I found an excellent web site from the Federation of Teachers in Ontario on bullying, studies, videos, games, what to do in the classroom, with the bullied and the bulliers, an excellent help for teachers. So here is the site, for furhter information for any other person or parent who would need it.

http://www.safeatschool.ca/index.php?q=en/home

[sandy]

Gee Goingby,
I don't speak French I'm sorry to say, or for sure I would take you up on your offer as it would be great to do some group work in the school and also just to meet you and your beautiful daughter

Sounds like all your hard work is paying off and that good things are happening. I affirm that your Daughter is blessed to have such an intelligent, deeply caring Mom of which I am sure she knows. Love and Blessings to you both!

[Amer]

Have just finished reading the thread Going By and my heart goes out to you, my son is only four and not in the system as of yet. Someone very dear to me was bullied while at secondary school and never said anything about it and it went on to have a deep influence on her adult life. You are nipping it pretty much in the bud and this will be a saving grace for your daughter.
All the very very best to you and her xx

[Akhenaten]

Years ago (0ver twenty to be exact) I did a segment on self-esteem in a rural high school. When asked over 90% of the kids, after having explained to them what 'low self-esteem' was, indicated that it was a problem for them, a problem that BTW manifested itself in the form of eating disorders, acting out, poor school performance, problems with parents and authority figures, drug and alcohol addiction, and sexual acting out. As far as I know this pilot was the first of its kind. The kids actually, once the issue was fully defined for them, knew that they themselves were very negatively affected by their lack of healthy self-esteem, be it body image, psychological attitudes, etc! This was a mind-blower for me, as an adult ---- the kids could put the pieces together themselves once they had the basic information - they could analyze how this issue affected them personally once the HAD THE DATA!

The next steps were the very important, practical problem-solving steps. The light-bulb really goes on in most kids' heads (and adults, too!) when they are able to get some intellectual distance from an issue that is bothering them, so they can apply their minds cooly and dispassionately to the problem. The key is DISTANCE: in other words, break the whole thing down into smaller more manageable pieces. Separate the feeling/reaction part from the actual events that are occurring to see that YOU ARE NOT NECESSARILY CAUSING THE PHENOMENON!!

Problem-solving tips:

1.) IT IS THEIR PROBLEM (the bullies) THAT THEY ARE BEHAVING THIS abysmallly stupid WAY (unless you , may in fact be behaving like an asshole and in some way are actually bringing it on yourself! THIS takes a degree of honesty and objectivity - AND MATURITY! However, it is illogical and usually not factually correct that YOU are causing the asshole to behave in this way - usually they are motivated by a variety of internal factors! Uh, for example - like they just might be an asshole for example?! Granted this is not a particularly compassionate point of view!! HAHA!

2.) You need to ask yourself when someone is behaving badly "Is this my problem or THEIR PROBLEM?"

3.) Once you have identified the true cause of the offending behavior - and discussing this issue with others and a trusted adult is important because immature people tend, egocentrically, to believe that EVERYTHING HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THEM WHEN THIS IS NOT ALWAYS TRUE! In fact, it USUALLY is not true! HELLO! Wake-up call! tHE WHOLE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND IN FACT USUALLY HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH YOU! Why, therefor would you immediately jump to the probably false conclusion that the asshole's behavior has anything to do with you?! Especially when more than likely their asshole behavior originates totally, 100% within them, and has nothing whatsoever to do with you, other than that they happened to seize upon you to act out their stupid and ignorant compulsions!

4.) Once the situation is analyzed, then you have to ask yourself "Do I care what an asshole thinks about me? (substitute the term of your choice "immature person" "imbalanced egocentric" "lop-sided thinker" "person of limited intellect" ETC.

5.) WHY should a person base their feelings of self-worth on what others think of them? What really matters, after all, is what ONE THINKS ABOUT ONESELF!!

6.) OK here is where the rubber hits the road.....work on self-esteem needs to include selected reading (I can provide a list of recommended books) AND at least the possibility that one would consider meditation training to truly get in touch with the SELF. Once one gets in touch with the SELF, what can I say?

7.) But what if there is SOME, I mean even a tiny iota of something, however subltle, in yourself that may have provided a sticky adhesive point of connection between you and the asshole and his or her behavior?! Well, this is where it all gets very subtle, indeed. IF, and I say "IF" in your analysis you should find that there IS in fact some tiny "sticking point" for example say you harbor low self-esteem yourself that palpably projects out in such a way as to attract these predators like pheronomes attract certain insects...............

HELLO! We are back to the issue of self-esteem. One must radiate a calm attitude lacking totally in fear towards others. Bullies are like dogs in that they SMELL FEAR and in fact, they are wired to feed off it! You must nip this one in the bud. NO Adrenaline must be emitted whatsoever. That means you must face your fears and yourself, and vanquish self-loathing and fear for once and for all. In this way, you are doing yourself and the bullies a favor! You free yourself from their predations AND they are freed from compulsively acting out this negative way towards you too, with all the bad karma they inevitably incur by doing so! It is a win-win situation!

Assholes no longer matter.

That is the self esteem "full metal jacket" annotated.

Akh

[Going by]

Thanks everyone for the help. It was needed and appreciated.

talking of friends in need, thanks for reminding me of my daughter's problems. The help I received was really appreciated. She is now doing fine, not much bullying at school anymore The school director intervened right away and I though t at firts it would not do much but she succeeded with her approach. The main bully turned around and behaved more like a friend now, another girl just took for my daughter and another one started to speak to her.

I also had her start some sessions with a therapist specialising in learning disabilities such as aphasia (like mine used to be) and with teenagers, therefore including bullying. Real nice lady. They will work on self esteem.

Furthermore, I invited the bitch to my daughter birthday, paid the restaurant to everybody, my daughter behaving as if it was from her, and had them the whole week end home. They saw and participated in everything my daughter does (music, singing, piano, chat, facebook, etc - had splash on facebook with guys etc). I profited of this to pass some messages at brunch on sunday, the gentle way as I can. It was quite profitable for my daughter.

And me I am ready to be a politician with these teenager stuff.

Thanks everyone.

[HURRITT ENYETO]

I'm glad it is turning out well Going By


Hurritt

[Odah]

i understand what your daughter was going through.. had quite a few learning disabilities myself before they where looking for them..and it was apperent that i was bright.. but couldn't get what was in my head out...that along with many other fun thing that go along with depression and high functioning autism..made me tune out much of the world for a long time..

it is good that she is fitting in now and making friends ..that helps ..i actually didn't make any close friends through high school..had freind i didn't go to high school with.. but i guess it help to make freinds with people you are around

[Akhenaten]

Hey Going By I was just reading a book on Hypnosis and there was a section in there about using Hypnotherapy on children with bullying problems at school as a means of cementing other behavioral/reactionhabits in place to more effectively handle bullies and their abominable behaviors. Of course that would mean doing alot of homework and finding a credible and trustworthy therapist who uses hypnotism on children - basically is is a fast-track behavioral/attitudinal mod program. But it appears the clouds have cleared --- just another bit of info for your toolbox figured it couldn't hurt. I can PM you the book title, etc. if you want. Just sayin' glad things seem to be sorting themselves out naturally, it is always the best way.

[sandy]

Right On!! Courage and Strength always leads the way. Both you and your Daughter have these qualities

[Amer]

Wonderful to hear a successful outcome Going By, well done to both of you.