Dear Anne: My fiancé’s brother and his wife have been married for 10 years. They have been in a thruple for about six months. They recently moved their girlfriend into their home with them and their two young children. Even though I tried to refrain from judging them because I was told they were happy, I still choose not to be with them.
I believe that marriage should be a commitment between two people, regardless of gender, and monogamy is an essential part of maintaining a foundation of trust between two married people.
Infidelity caused them problems in the past, which I consoled my future sister-in-law for on several occasions. I see this only causing more problems in the long run (not just for them but also for the children), even though some sort of distorted amicable solution is being offered temporarily now.
My fiancé tolerates it because he’s his brother, but he doesn’t agree either. My decision to move away from their family did not affect my relationship with my fiancé. He supports my decision and is understanding. Am I wrong for not wanting to be by their side when this “thruple” goes against my moral convictions? — Company of Three
Dear company of Three: No, you are not wrong. Since this goes against your moral beliefs, by all means keep doing what you’re doing – choosing not to be with them – even if you might want to reach out to your future sister-in-law. I wonder how happy she is with this new arrangement. Of course, his children had no say.
One size doesn’t fit all weddings, and no matter how close we are to someone, there’s no way to tell what’s really going on behind closed doors. But she may want to open up to you so you understand why monogamy isn’t important to her. Or she could say the opposite – that it’s all her husband’s idea and it drives her crazy.
I agree with you that the situation will cause more long-term problems for the couple’s marriage, and it could have a lasting impact on their children. In the meantime, for times when you all need to be together, try to be as polite as possible.
Dear Anne: I came across one of your columns the other day where the writer, “Intruding In-Laws,” wrote complaining that their in-laws were a financial disaster and her husband was constantly lending them money. silver. I would have suggested the husband sit down with his parents and tell them he’s done bailing them out, but offer to pay for a course, like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace, or buy them a book in this meaning. This course also offers in-person and online classes, but there are other similar programs.
I would also suggest the couple follow tips to help the husband understand why the wife is so upset that he constantly bails out the in-laws. – Financially easy
Dear Financially Unscathed: An excellent recommendation, indeed. Financial literacy is not considered basic knowledge, but it is definitely something that can be achieved at any stage of life. This is the perfect time for these in-laws to learn.
As always, there is also great value in advice. Money, especially when it comes to family, can create difficult situations to manage. Talking in the presence of a licensed counselor can help Intrusing In-Laws and her husband establish clear boundaries that they are both comfortable with and get on the same page for their future.
See previous columns “Dear Annie”
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring her favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available in paperback and e-book form. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
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